so you know the rule in fairylands where you cant eat or drink anything or you’ll have to stay there forever? does like.. .eating out/sucking dick count
holy f uck jane
its a serious question
well like, the whole thing is that you cannot have consumed anything belonging to the fey realm. so, yes, probably, you would be stuck there. the same would apply if you just straight up ate a fairy.
new question: would deepthroating count in this case even w/o swallowing
no. temporary doesn’t count, otherwise fairies would all be running about sticking their hands in your mouth to get human servants.
you gotta digest it.
so like??? if you puke afterwards?? maybe it doesn’t count?
huh! i wonder how long is enough time for it to be legit. like whatever goes through your stomach immediately condemns you no matter if you throw it up later?
Well Persephone only ate 6 seeds so she only stayed 6 months, so maybe if you spat out most of it you’d just be condemned to the occasional day “BRB got go pay the two day toll for fellating a fairy.”
“you wanna come over for the weekend?”
“oh man im so sorry i sucked some fairy dick once and now i have to keep coming back to do it again– its a long story”
“you what now”
i can hardly believe this isn’t already the plot of an Oglaf comic
now that u said it im really surprised as well
what the fuck did i just read
Why ISN’T this an Oglaf comic yet?
I’m so happy that i’m not the only person who thinks of questions like these. I love you all so much.
I’m not convinced by this, actually!
Like, this analysis treats it as a substance problem, i.e. “edible matter from fairyland has properties that, if ingested, physically prevent you from being able to return to the real world.”
But OTOH, a recurring theme throughout fairy stories is that they’re all about…rules and exchanges and agreements with really steep interest rates:
“I’ll do you this favor, but if you don’t guess my name you’ll have to give me your first-born child.”
“You’re gonna be real good at everything but when you’re 16 you’re gonna prick your finger and die.”
“You loaned me $2 for the bus when I looked like a beggar, so now here’s a literal pile of gold and shit.”
Not to mention that in Childe Rowland, one of the central “if you eat food from fairyland you’re stuck there” stories, Rowland manages to retrieve his siblings despite them all presumably having chowed down on fairy food – all it took was beating the Fairy King in a swordfight and threatening to chop his head off.
The takeaway, I think, is that the food thing a matter of implicit exchange: if you get your grub on in fairyland, you’re accepting their hospitality and eating food that they own. This means you owe them, which the fairies can magically leverage to prevent you from leaving.
(You can probably get around this by explicitly agreeing to pay for your meal before you sit down to eat. From what I remember, fairies don’t seem capable of pulling a “Haha, we had an agreement but you’re fucked anyways!” maneuver, so if they agree to let you leave they might even be forced to helpyou leave.)
Which brings us to the matter at hand: if you blow a fairy you’re doing them a favor! They owe you.
And…they’re a fairy, so if you didn’t agree to terms beforehand they might not repay you in a way that’s ultimately helpful or safe, but it certainly doesn’t seem like they’d be able to, like, pat you on the head and be like “Thanks, you’re really good at this buuuuuuut also you’re stuck here forever now.”
Instead, what seems more likely is…I dunno, showing up to your wedding years later and giving you a beautiful white horse that always comes when called, while loudly praising you as truly deserving it for giving them them simply the best oral they’ve had in years.
Or they feel obligated to show up at your house a couple days a year. So, like
“you wanna come over for the weekend?”
“oh man I’m so sorry i sucked some fairy dick once and now he always comes by over memorial day weekend and helps me out with minor home repairs.”
“you what now”
This is my favorite act of intellectual bugfuckery on this entire website, when I die I want someone to print this out and place it in my grave with me so I can cherish it forever.
So I’m looking up stuff for types of horses and what sex was used when with knights and stuff and I accidentally bump into a thread arguing the gender of chess pieces.
And it just keeps being weird.
These Heterosexuals are wild.
it is with a heavy heart that i must say the hets are at it again
ilulzmetuna is the ken m of a new generation
Logically if the queen is female then pawns are female also because when a pawn reaches the end of the board it usually becomes a queen. However since a pawn can actually become any piece once at the end of the board, that means if the queen is female, and the pawn can become the queen AND any other piece, then that means knights, rooks, and bishops are female as well.
Therefore, every piece on the chess board is technically female save for the King. Thus that makes the king important because of his reproductive capabilities more than anything else. His lack of mobility and purpose otherwise means that the King is like a drone in a bee hive rather than any kind of important authority.
Tldr: logically all the pieces are female and also bees
ok this is “earring magic ken” who was introduced in 1992 (and discontinued shortly thereafter)
basically mattel had done a survey and discovered that girls didn’t think ken was “cool” enough
SO someone had the bright idea to research coolness by sending people to raves which, at the time, were mostly hosted & attended by gay men. so they went to these raves and took notes on what the fashions were and finally landed on this outfit, mesh shirt & all
this doll became the best selling ken doll in history, mostly because gay men bought it in droves. (many of them said his necklace was supposed to be a cockring) but mattel and a number of parents weren’t very amused and discontinued the doll
OH MY GOD YOU’RE LEAVING OUT THE BEST PART
SO
MAGIC EARRING KEN. This bitch gay as HELL. supposedly the aforementioned rings on him are for “magic earrings” and clip on charms. These charms are advertised as totally COMPLETELY heterosexual, not gay at ALL, see there’s a Barbie that also has Magic Earring Action with clip on charms! Ken wears them to match, because he’s STRAIGHT
Here’s the issue: THERE IS NO MATCHING BARBIE. Magic Earring Ken is out here straight up wearing cock rings on his jacket with a thinly devised advertising ploy to make it SEEM not-gay. But it’s DEFINITELY GAY. (And if you’re thinking, why cock rings? Well way back in 1992 gay culture was HUGE on wearing cock rings, it was the in-style. Everyone who was gay wore one, even women; you sewed them to your leather jacket, and the placement indicated some of your sexual preference. In case you were wondering, Ken is a Bottom.)
AND IT GETS BETTER. Magic Earring Ken was on the shelves for six weeks before they pulled him. In that short amount of time? Magic Earring Ken became the BEST SELLING Barbie Doll Mattel has EVER SOLD. LET THAT SINK IN. SIX WEEKS. And now every time these wheezy old hetero windbag execs go to look at their sales board, they’re forever haunted by Magic Earring Ken at the top of their charts.
Gay as hell, Cock Ring Bottom Ken, the Best Selling Mattel Doll. Pride.
Also, in case you expected this only-sold-for-6-weeks-in-1992 ultra-gay Ken to be a prohibitively rare and expensive collector’s item, he’s not. You can buy him on ebay for around $20.
StraightGuy™: I can’t believe this!!! I just wanted to enjoy myself, hitting on women in this gay bar…and…and…some gay guy asked if he could buy me a drink. How dare TheGays™ do this to me, trying to force themselves on me…in a gay bar…by asking if I’d like a drink? This is why people don’t support the gay community.
StraightGuy™: Can you believe this shit?! I went up to a woman at a bus stop who had her headphones in and was reading a book. All I wanted to do was talk to her, and she asked me politely to leave her alone because she was trying to read her book?!? How ruuuuude! I was a gentleman and everything for the 20 minutes I pestered her.
I’m usually pretty particular about the sorts of traits that get assigned as humanity’s “special thing” in sci-fi settings, but I have to admit that I have a weakness for settings where the thing humanity is known for is something tiny and seemingly inconsequential that it wouldn’t normally occur to you to think of as a distinctive trait.
Like, maybe we have a reputation as a bunch of freaky nihilists because we’re the only species that naturally has the capacity to be amused by our own misfortune.
Alien: Why are you happy? You’ve been seriously injured!
Human: *struggling to control laughter* Yeah, but I can imagine what that must have looked like from the outside, and it’s pretty hilarious.
Alien: …
Captain XXlr’y: First Officer Jane The Human, your olifactory protuberance is severely damaged! Why is this a matter for mirthful celebration???
First Officer Jane The Human: A SPARKLY LITTLE POMERANIAN THING WITH A GODDAMN UNICORN HORN CHASED ME STRAIGHT INTO A WALL! OH MY GOD! DID YOU SEE THAT? I RAN STRAIGHT INTO THE WALL.
Captain XXlr’y: Yes I just observed this sequence of events! It was terrible!
First Officer Jane The Human: OKAY WHO GOT THAT ON CAMERA, I WANNA SEE.
Captain XXlr’y: So you more fully understand that this is a situation you should never get into again?
First Officer Jane The Human: SO I CAN SEND THE VIDEO TO MY MOM!
Captain XXlr’y: For… for the solicitation of maternal concern…?
First Officer Jane The Human: NO, BECAUSE SHE’LL THINK IT’S HILARIOUS TOO.
Sidetrack but: I am of the opinion that we will be known as the Throwers. The biomechanics of our shoulder joints, which allow us to hurl things farther, faster, and more accurately than any other animal, set us apart almost as much as our intelligence. And indeed our dominance as a species on Earth has a lot to do with applying that intelligence to throwing more better.
When the aliens come visit via seventh dimensional space fold like sensible people, I can only imagine their reaction when we ask them to point out where they come from so we can fling our ambassadors at them.
That would be fascinating. Imagine if, for whatever reason, they were simply very badly adapted to throwing, and never picked up the habit. And the first time they saw someone toss a thing to someone else, they’d just be like “why did you … drop that thing sideways?”
oh my god that’s fascinating. imagine a bunch of alien species that never evolved a socket joint. like, tentacles or hinges, that’s it. maybe some pivoting paired bones like our radius and ulna. then we show up and we’re like ‘haha watch this’ and windmill our arms and the Zygosian ambassador gets really grossed out.
later some aliens are like ‘so, as remarkably throwy guys, what’s your opinion on this mathematical acceleration experimentation tensile device one of our philosopher kings recently invented?’ and show humans a little desk-sized catapult.
humans: it’s cute. try this tho. *gives alien a paintball gun*
alien: WHY IS THIS FUN FOR YOU
Tzan’liip was on xir way to the cargo hold to check inventory before launch. Their ship, the Basilica, had docked at the Sirius IV Port three rotations ago to refuel and resupply. As xe passed the airlock that separated the hallway from the designated living quarters of the humans, xe heard a loud cry of triumph, muffled slightly by the thick glass doors. Tzan’liip paused, intrigued.
The ship xe had been on previously only had one human in its crew, and so xe never got the chance to witness their intense pack-bonding instincts amongst their own species. Xe was curious as to how they interacted with each other, and how that pack-bonding played out. Not wanting to intrude, but also feeling extremely curious, xe stood outside the airlock to try to glimpse what they were up to.
Moments later, the door to the bunk nearest to the airlock slid open, and all five human crew members rushed out, trailing behind their knife-wielding cleaning droid, dubbed Stabby, which now had a new attachment taped on top: an old-style waste bin with its disintegrators removed, leaving only a useless metal cylinder. What was the point of a waste bin if it didn’t get rid of the waste? Also, why was it attached to a cleaning droid? Already, Tzan’liip was confused. Xe also wondered at why all of the humans had come out of one room. The bunks were small, and surely, it must have been uncomfortable.
Four of the humans had small, round objects in their hands, and were chattering excitedly while the fifth used a manual control pad to maneuver the cleaning droid to the far end of the hallway. Technician Orozco was the first to notice xim, turning and baring her teeth – a human sign of happiness and affection. She spoke again to her crewmates, and they bared their teeth at xim, as well. Lieutenant Johnson pressed the intercom button and spoke enthusiastically to xim in Terran, but Tzan’liip understood none of it. It was then that xe realized that the humans had their translators off. Johnson must have noticed this, too, because he hurriedly flipped the switch at his neck.
“Sorry, Tzan,” he apologized. “What’s up?”
Tzan’liip glanced over Johnson’s head to the cleaning droid that was still at the end of the hallway, lifting xir tentacle to point at it. “What are you doing with that droid?”
Johnson looked back at it excitedly. “Oh, yeah.” He chuckled. “Orozco found a few tennis balls while we were docked and we thought we’d have a little fun. Want to join?” he offered.
Tzan’liip hesitated. What kind of fun could they be having that involved a cleaning droid, a waste bin, and a “tennis ball”? Whatever that was. Xe finally accepted Johnson’s request, insisting that xe just wanted to watch. Turning the filters on in xir helmet, xe stepped through the airlock, and into the living quarters.
“We were trying to get these balls into the basket while Stabby was moving around,” Johnson explained. “But the bunk rooms are a little small, and… well… there’s five of us, so we decided to move it out here.”
His explanation didn’t help very much. Tzan’liip looked at the distance between the humans and the droid, and knew that it would be impossible to get anything into the bin without the help of a projectile launcher. Before xe could say anything, though, the human named McBride took a ball in her hand, pulled her arm back, and twisted it forward, launching the ball sideways. It bounced once, twice, three times, and then landed with a ding in the waste bin. The rest of her crewmates cheered ecstatically, hitting her in the shoulder, apparently as a sign of congratulations.
Tzan’liip stood, stunned. “H-how did you do that?” xe stuttered. McBride’s arm had moved with the flexibility of one of xir own tentacles, but that should have been impossible. The joints in human shoulders seemed to swing either forwards, backwards, or out to the side, not rotate like McBride’s just did. That would require flexible cartilage, not stiff bone. Even then, tentacles were not suited to precision or power when it came to launching projectiles.
McBride looked back at xir, confusion in her eyes. “Do what? Throw a ball?”
Ah, yes, that was the word. Tzan’liip had forgotten about the humans’ outstanding ability to throw. Xe remembered hearing about their primitive hunting techniques and countless pastimes that revolved around this ability. Xe had never seen it first-hand, but it truly was a gift, as xir instructors had called it.
“That was incredible,” Tzan’liip managed to get out.
McBride made a noise in her throat, something the humans called laughing. “I can teach you sometime, if you want,” she offered. “I didn’t play basketball all four years of high school for nothing.”
That Odd Boy 